Immature Me

I am so, so, SO annoyed by him. It's not fair that he gets to travel while I get stuck in my own static, daily life of waking up at 4 in the afternoon, getting on the laptop, and going to bed at 5 in the morning. Every day it's the same; rinse, wash and repeat, except for those days where I have to go out for various reasons. It seriously makes me just want to pack up, flag down the nearest truck and go backpacking all over the country, leaving everyone and everything behind.

I want to experience new things, meet new people, do things I haven't done before in my life. And I just feel so annoyed each time he texts me, with his smiles and cheer and soft words like he's having such a good time there, like that place is so pretty.

Well, if you like it there, then stay there. You don't have to come back.

Okay, I know I shouldn't be having emotional outbursts like this. I'm immature and childish, and instead of feeling happy for him, I'm feeling jealous and annoyed... makes me look like a selfish, ungrateful bitch, doesn't it? But I can't help it. It's only been a week, a single week, and he's already found his peace while I'm still struggling here to find mine.

Life is so unfair at times... but what can we do... That's life. Life will say, "Hey, I'm gonna eat you and chew you up, then spit you out, and you better have learned something from it before the next chewing cycle", then do just that, but if we're not killed, then we just get stronger. At least that's what they say. Sometimes, we just go through the motions without learning anything because our skin is so thick. My skin is kinda thick... I think. Sometimes I learn something, sometimes I don't, but I still say life is the best teacher anyone could have.

Anyway, I'm going off track again. The thought of him being so many miles away makes me wish I could be so many miles away too. It only strengthens my resolve to accept the offer of studying overseas, where I there's faces I've never met and places I've never been too. I don't know if I could survive alone there, but I know I can if I put my heart and mind to it. New places, new faces, the things I could do. I wonder if I could truly be happy then, or if my thirst for going to new places will intensify. My life is too static and restrictive. I need something new. I need to just... leave everything behind and go away on my own, and then maybe I'll be able to come back a contented person.

But you know what? He'll just accuse me of running away again, and I'm honestly sick and tired of him saying that. He just doesn't understand my need of having time for myself for a bit. If I truly wanted to run away, I'd just turn everything off and make sure he has no way of meeting me, or I'd just.. end it there and then. Now THAT's running away. Saying I don't want to talk, or I'd rather be alone just means I need some time for myself, to calm myself down on my own before talking again.

Men. They just don't get it. Ugh.

I really don't know what to say, seriously. I have no one else to talk to or vent out my feelings except for here. Samhain is coming soon, but I haven't yet sorted out my emotions nor gotten in touch with Mother Nature enough for me to face the Goddess, though she's been calling out to me repeatedly. I don't know if I've made the right decision or if this is what is really meant to be. I want nothing more than to pull out my deck of cards and divine what's in my future, but a part of me tells it to leave it be, and let nature take it's course. I'm having second thoughts and sleepless nights, and I really don't know about anything now. I get annoyed daily, and it's really not helping.

Goddess help me... if and when he reads this, I really hope he forgives me.

-J