Him

When I was ten, I dreamed of an eagle. It was the largest eagle I had ever seen, with beautiful golden wings and fierce amber eyes, but I wasn't afraid of it because it had a kind of gentle aura. I dreamed I rode on it's back as it brought me up to the skies, yet keeping me safe at the same time. The dream shifted towards the end, where I was older, and the eagle turned into a man whose face I couldn't see. He promised me he would always protect me, and I remember laughing and saying I didn't believe him jokingly, but he patiently followed me and insisted he would. For years after that dream, I always remembered and thought of the eagle as my totem animal or spirit guide if you would, but the eagle has never appeared in my dreams again.

When I was 14, I used to imagine I had a guardian watching over me in everything I did. I imagined him to be this gentle person with long hair, blue eyes and tan skin, someone who wielded magic and someone who knew how to calm me whenever I was upset. He was always quiet and soft-spoken, yet would never hesitate to raise his voice when it came to defending me. I imagined he was someone who never spoiled me, though he loved me endlessly, only indulging me at the right times and being strict with others. He was there when I couldn't sleep and needed someone by my side, he was there when I needed someone to talk to, he was there when I was sad. I wrote stories about him, gave him a name, but one day... perhaps it was time for him to leave, perhaps it was just me... my hand wrote a story about him leaving. "He" wrote me a letter to tell me to live on and be strong, and that we would meet again one day. He felt so real to me that time, I could feel his presence with me wherever I went. Yet, perhaps I felt a need subconsciously to put an end to it all. So it came to an end, even before the year ended. My beloved Guardian disappeared from my life.

And then I somehow, subconsciously, began writing about someone I needed. A companion to my character in a world I had shaped. Someone who was gentle, kind and treated me well, though he tended to tease me, sometimes get on my nerves, purposely annoy me to the point where I would throw something at him, but he would protect me when I was in trouble, offered me help when I need it, was strict with me some ways and lenient another. He didn't care about the venomous words I could say sometimes though he always replied in a way that made me feel bad later on, he was used to my random mood swings, and he didn't care about how childish I was. He just loved me as it is. But then again, stories are just stories, aren't they? No matter how much I write, it'd never come true. I'd never find a guy like I have in my fantasies.

Until I met him.

He wasn't what I thought he was. He wasn't exactly the person in my stories, but he was everything I imagined him to be. Was it fate that I met him? Or had it always been destiny? That someone I never thought I'd find would step out of my thoughts and stories and stand in front of me? That I had been thinking and writing of for years actually existed? Fate or destiny.... Right now I'm standing on a path in my dreams facing him, with a gentle breeze blowing, leaves floating around us, and I see him hold his hand out to me. Where I would have been scared, I reach out and grasp that waiting hand.

Both in my dreams and in reality. Because I don't have to hide behind dreams, imagination and a made-up character anymore. I can just be me.

He's my Eagle, my Guardian, my Protector, and my Reality.

And I couldn't ask for more. Perhaps, everything has come true for me. And I thank him for having been there for me.... always.

-J

The Little Things That Build

I'm not perfect.

I'm not always that laughing, carefree girl without a care in the world.

I'm not as strong as I look on the outside. I'm fragile on the inside, but I pretend to be strong.

I pretend that everything's alright when I should be crying, but I end up putting on a smile instead because it holds everything in place.

I spent one year of my life crying every night over nothing.

I used to pretend I had someone there taking care of me when I lay alone in bed.

I sometimes think I'm crazy because I talk to myself when no one is around, and I tend to hurt myself sometimes when my emotions are out of control. But I refer to it as "a little unwell".

I don't consider myself pretty because I know I'm not.

I keep to myself if I can because I feel better that way.

I used to be pushed aside, so I wander alone to not get hurt.

I'm optimistic on the outside, but sometimes I tend to be negative on the inside.

I cry to myself, but I refuse to let others see I'm crying.

I like being alone because I keep my feelings safe that way.

What would you do if you met me?

~J

Brain Freeze

I'm dancing on rainbows with pink fluffy unicorns.

No, really.

Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows~

Pink fluffy...

Okay, I lied.

I'm not dancing with pink fluffy unicorns. I'm doing the lazy chair shuffle to Party Rock anthem. And before you start thinking I've gone mad, I'd better explain why I'm in such a good mood.

Yesterday was probably one of the most special days of my life. In all honesty, I wasn't even sure if my brain computed what happened, but then again you know how I get when I get surprised or something. But yes, I was aware of it, I didn't float off to Olympus like my muse did so don't worry. I'm not that.. er... air-headed like I was five years ago. Though I still do tend to let my thoughts wander sometimes and get a bit lost.... But anyway! Nope, I didn't space out but one thing did happen. My brain froze. It was like that picture perfect moment that's pretty easy to think about, but when it happens, something just... doesn't go the way you expect it to go.

I actually had something pretty sappy in my thoughts, but then again I'm a girl influenced by Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl, so yeah.

But in any case, I did something I didn't think I would do; I just continued eating my food.... quietly. And why? Because I'd forgotten what I wanted to do. Or wanted to say. Something prepared out the window again, with a frozen brain and thoughts unable to move. Thinking back about it... I feel like hitting my head on the table for not.. er... giving an unlame reply. Blaarrgggh! I just said yes. Okay, so yes does count as a reply, but the way I said it. Aaarrgghh!! The horror! Okay, don't come running over the moment you get this, I'm not going to attempt hitting my head on the wall. The embarrassment just got to me. But I'm diverting, aren't I? I'm diverting. Great.

So what should I have done, I wonder? Perhaps the yes was already good enough, but... what I can't believe is that my brain wiped itself out to leave my blank. I do hear a little devil whispering in my ear to ask to hear those words again, but I'll swat the bugger off my shoulder in a while.

Still... it was meaningful. Here's another page to be bookmarked, and another chapter to be opened. I suppose I'm happy.... which is what you and others would want, but then again, who wouldn't want to be happy? I've got a warm hand to hold, and a back I can lean on and a smile to give. Now I have a place to add to my list of special things, and another memory to pull up and play every time I'm feeling down. Am I content? Yes I am. Grateful? More than you know. Still on Cloud Nine? Since when have I ever come down from there? I'm still that active tomboy everyone knows... but at least I'm no longer alone.

I've finally got someone beside me.

~J

Grateful-Thoughts

I want nothing but for you to hug me and never let me go.

I want nothing but to just stay like that forever because I'd rest in the protection of your arms.

Nah, perhaps it's just wistful thinking, but I'm truly grateful to have found someone like you. Sometimes I just sit and stare, sometimes I just stare off into space, but it's true that what's on my mind is you... especially when I start staring off into space when you're beside me. It's easy to tell, I get that little frown and that downcast look, but I shouldn't be telling you this. Silly me. But then again, it's not like I'm sad or regretting anything or worrying about something. Even I don't have an answer to what's on my mind. The answer is you, and just you. Nothing else but you. Oh no, wait... I think it's more on gratefulness? Gratefulness that I found a person like you, someone who's so kind and gentle and warm. Even if it doesn't work out, I'm pretty certain that it's going to be hard to find another person like you, who doesn't demand anything from me. The funniest thing is though... it's exactly that that makes me want to give everything to you. Even change for you even when you don't want me to.

I only have one fear, though. That it might not work out. All said and done, I know that I can move on, but to find someone to replace you... it's hard. But I suppose that if I could wait for you to cross paths with me, I could wait for another person when I reach life's crossroads. Okay, darn. I'm not even making sense here anymore. Or am I? Sorry, sorry. I'm scratching my head right now. I thought about this even before I started writing and here I am totally messing everything up. Eto... I can't remember which came before which, but I'm just penning down thoughts, I guess. Everyone needs to get some things off their mind, and I'm no exception. But one thing's true though... I won't be able to get you off my mind.

In any case, I suppose that's all I wanted to say. Perhaps when I think of more, I'll write again. Gah, somehow I feel that I didn't get to write all this down the way I wanted, or express myself in the way that I thought of, but meh. That's me, what can I say. Short term memory loss, absent-minded and pretty much always the lost one. Gratefulness. Okay? Eto, eto.... ah.... well. Honestly, this is a bit hard when I can't remember the original words I had. And I had it done so nicely in my head too.

Remind me to bring a notebook along with me next time so I can scribble it down there and then.

~J