Sometimes, I can't help it when I think stuff and my chest thuds painfully with each breath taken. And sometimes, it's hard for me to stay normal when you're far away, doing things that I'm not. Call me jealous, call me possessive. Yeah, maybe I'm that. Or call me immature, childish, whichever you please. I'm just a girl, a typical girl who's mechanisms are broken from earlier days. I can't look at a message and not feel a little pain when you go, I can't stop wishing that you would just go away if you want to and leave me alone so you'll make it a little easier on me. I can't. But that's such a childish thing to do, isn't it? It's like a child sulking in a corner when her caretaker goes away for a little while. A child who wishes she could go along, and throwing a tantrum when she can't.
I've got two defense programs. One; I retreat into myself so no one gets a hint of my emotions and my thoughts. Two; I let a layer of ice grow. The icy thing really works, though... It seems so much easier just to detach myself from just feeling, that way I won't end up depressed and blubbering just because he's gone for a few days, but the flaw is when he texts, or calls. Then the layer of ice shatters and I become a depressed little idiot getting angry at everything and everyone or every little thing, so easy to make me snap.
Sometimes I wish he wouldn't bother. It'll make it so much easier for me to pull through. I won't have to worry, I won't have to miss him.
But he bothers, oh yes he does. Like a persistent little bug, buzzing in my ear, he bothers. He bothers until I can smile again. But behind that smile comes tears, anger, depression, all the feelings I wish I didn't have to deal with. And I know it hurts him, being cold like that... but he doesn't care and keeps on melting the ice. Did I mention melting hurts too? Because it sure does.
I'm not saying I'm ungrateful or that I'm pushing him away, I just have a little disorder, that's all. I have an attachment problem, I have BPD. Growing up with the need to feel accepted everyday is just painful, and now that I've developed an attachment, there's always the fear of being left out, being left behind. Yes, I'm aware of my problem, but it's not something I can control. I can learn to control it, but there's always going to be a little voice at the back of my head saying,
"You're alone now, but you don't need this. Loneliness is a part of you. It's not an excuse. All you need is yourself. You're stronger on your own."
And then all the hurt, all the feelings, they melt into one hard layer of ice that makes me cold to everyone except myself, easily shattered when he gives me a text, or says something that just.... makes me feel.
So I've done a lot of things before. I used to cut, first to be part of a clique, then maybe for attention (though I always, always hid my scars), then just because it made me feel so much better. It was my own personal way of saying, "Look, I need help but I'm just not showing it. See me. Save me.", but really, no one, not even my parents cared. They probably thought I was crazy, but I always smiled and lied when anyone noticed my scars. I fell, got scratched by my cat, was clumsy... those kind of things. No one really took the initiative to understand me, to see what's under my skin, how my brain works. But then again, Asian parents. Since when do they care, right? All I need to do is study. My whole life should revolve around that, and that's it.
Do they even know the reason why I got into cutting in the first place? As my mom would angrily shout, "Loneliness is not an excuse/Don't give me a stupid reason and say that you're lonely."
I have friends, but not close ones. Do they even know that I sit in a classroom of 36 students, but I sit alone in a corner, at the back of the class? Do they know that I sit alone most of the time? Heck, I don't think they do. They must probably feel it a relief that their daughter doesn't have much friends, so she doesn't mix with the wrong group.
But I digress, and this seems more like an anger/pity post right now, but it all comes to this: I met him.
I met him a year ago, probably more, but during that time, I never really noticed him. He's a ninja, I swear. Creeps up behind me unnoticed, stalks me for half a mile before I notice he's there. But I met him, and after half a year, we got together. It was during those six months, after I randomly (and impulsively) told him I liked him in a spur-of-the-moment thing, that we really got to know each other more. We talked... and talked... and talked, and he gave me the chance to decide if I really did like him or walk away while I still had the chance to. I remained just a best friend during those six whole months, and I said that if he chose to stay with his then girlfriend, I would accept it, and walk away. I kept my feelings inside, did things a best friend would, and felt that empty feeling each time he got back with her, but I accepted it. I really didn't mind, since I knew we would remain good friends even if I got friendzoned since I'd always have him to talk to if I had a problem.
Then six months passed and the waiting paid off. I didn't care if he was of a different religion and race, and neither did he. He didn't care that I wasn't a slim as other girls and had weird habits. I'm ready to accept his way of life and change mine, though I know it's a big risk. Things aren't as smooth sailing as we thought it would be, but we always talked it out. Me and my stubbornness, he and his persistence, we talked things through and always settled our problems within the day. We never shouted at each other. I told him everything, everything that was me, and he didn't judge me, he just accepted me as it is and gave me the help I subconsciously seeked for.
He was the first and only person to reach out his hand to me.
Hence why I'm attached, and why it hurts when he leaves for a bit, and why he can break down barriers so easily. I'm sorry if I hurt him in any way. I apologize for all those ugly little emotions, but hey... no human is perfect, right? I'm not sure if I want to share my burden with him, but he insists, so what choice to I have? I'm so used to handling things on my own, sometimes I feel a little lost when he helps.
He reminded me that it's two of us, not one, and no one gets left behind. He's always there, and I can count on him. He cured my habit of cutting, he cured my habit of hiding things (though I still do it when I tease him) from him. He taught me to speak up and tell him when I dislike something he does, or when I disagree, not keep it inside. He taught me how to open up and be a bit more honest, because talking about everything doesn't quite cut it; honesty is the most valuable thing in a relationship. But there's still so much more I have to learn, though we're still taking it one day at a time for now.
He wrote me a letter today to remind me that no matter where he is, I shouldn't lie to myself and tell myself that I don't miss him, because he'll always be there for me. Seems like I always need constant reminding about this... I can't help freezing up and turning icy when he leaves, but maybe in time I can learn.
~J
