I don't want anything.
I don't want any presents. Please don't buy me any. I don't want anything at all.
I don't want your words, or your messages, or your calls. I don't want anything at all.
Please don't give me smiles, I won't return it.
Please stop giving me your kind words, I don't want to hear it.
Please don't tell me anything, don't tell me what you did, or what happened, I don't need to hear it and I don't care.
I'll return everything to you, just stop all this at once.
I don't need anything from you, I don't WANT anything from you.
Please...
Just leave me alone. I don't need you.
-J
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Dreams
I dreamed that I was Seth Nightroad for a part of my dream last night. I used to roleplay her on MySpace so many years ago, and I met so many people, some of which I still call my family.
I dreamed that I was Seth, and I dreamed that I lived with both Cain and Abel, and things were so peaceful. I had my brothers, I had a family.
Maybe I can say that for the first time in so many days, I woke up feeling truly happy.
-J
I dreamed that I was Seth, and I dreamed that I lived with both Cain and Abel, and things were so peaceful. I had my brothers, I had a family.
Maybe I can say that for the first time in so many days, I woke up feeling truly happy.
-J
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Immature Me
I am so, so, SO annoyed by him. It's not fair that he gets to travel while I get stuck in my own static, daily life of waking up at 4 in the afternoon, getting on the laptop, and going to bed at 5 in the morning. Every day it's the same; rinse, wash and repeat, except for those days where I have to go out for various reasons. It seriously makes me just want to pack up, flag down the nearest truck and go backpacking all over the country, leaving everyone and everything behind.
I want to experience new things, meet new people, do things I haven't done before in my life. And I just feel so annoyed each time he texts me, with his smiles and cheer and soft words like he's having such a good time there, like that place is so pretty.
Well, if you like it there, then stay there. You don't have to come back.
Okay, I know I shouldn't be having emotional outbursts like this. I'm immature and childish, and instead of feeling happy for him, I'm feeling jealous and annoyed... makes me look like a selfish, ungrateful bitch, doesn't it? But I can't help it. It's only been a week, a single week, and he's already found his peace while I'm still struggling here to find mine.
Life is so unfair at times... but what can we do... That's life. Life will say, "Hey, I'm gonna eat you and chew you up, then spit you out, and you better have learned something from it before the next chewing cycle", then do just that, but if we're not killed, then we just get stronger. At least that's what they say. Sometimes, we just go through the motions without learning anything because our skin is so thick. My skin is kinda thick... I think. Sometimes I learn something, sometimes I don't, but I still say life is the best teacher anyone could have.
Anyway, I'm going off track again. The thought of him being so many miles away makes me wish I could be so many miles away too. It only strengthens my resolve to accept the offer of studying overseas, where I there's faces I've never met and places I've never been too. I don't know if I could survive alone there, but I know I can if I put my heart and mind to it. New places, new faces, the things I could do. I wonder if I could truly be happy then, or if my thirst for going to new places will intensify. My life is too static and restrictive. I need something new. I need to just... leave everything behind and go away on my own, and then maybe I'll be able to come back a contented person.
But you know what? He'll just accuse me of running away again, and I'm honestly sick and tired of him saying that. He just doesn't understand my need of having time for myself for a bit. If I truly wanted to run away, I'd just turn everything off and make sure he has no way of meeting me, or I'd just.. end it there and then. Now THAT's running away. Saying I don't want to talk, or I'd rather be alone just means I need some time for myself, to calm myself down on my own before talking again.
Men. They just don't get it. Ugh.
I really don't know what to say, seriously. I have no one else to talk to or vent out my feelings except for here. Samhain is coming soon, but I haven't yet sorted out my emotions nor gotten in touch with Mother Nature enough for me to face the Goddess, though she's been calling out to me repeatedly. I don't know if I've made the right decision or if this is what is really meant to be. I want nothing more than to pull out my deck of cards and divine what's in my future, but a part of me tells it to leave it be, and let nature take it's course. I'm having second thoughts and sleepless nights, and I really don't know about anything now. I get annoyed daily, and it's really not helping.
Goddess help me... if and when he reads this, I really hope he forgives me.
-J
I want to experience new things, meet new people, do things I haven't done before in my life. And I just feel so annoyed each time he texts me, with his smiles and cheer and soft words like he's having such a good time there, like that place is so pretty.
Well, if you like it there, then stay there. You don't have to come back.
Okay, I know I shouldn't be having emotional outbursts like this. I'm immature and childish, and instead of feeling happy for him, I'm feeling jealous and annoyed... makes me look like a selfish, ungrateful bitch, doesn't it? But I can't help it. It's only been a week, a single week, and he's already found his peace while I'm still struggling here to find mine.
Life is so unfair at times... but what can we do... That's life. Life will say, "Hey, I'm gonna eat you and chew you up, then spit you out, and you better have learned something from it before the next chewing cycle", then do just that, but if we're not killed, then we just get stronger. At least that's what they say. Sometimes, we just go through the motions without learning anything because our skin is so thick. My skin is kinda thick... I think. Sometimes I learn something, sometimes I don't, but I still say life is the best teacher anyone could have.
Anyway, I'm going off track again. The thought of him being so many miles away makes me wish I could be so many miles away too. It only strengthens my resolve to accept the offer of studying overseas, where I there's faces I've never met and places I've never been too. I don't know if I could survive alone there, but I know I can if I put my heart and mind to it. New places, new faces, the things I could do. I wonder if I could truly be happy then, or if my thirst for going to new places will intensify. My life is too static and restrictive. I need something new. I need to just... leave everything behind and go away on my own, and then maybe I'll be able to come back a contented person.
But you know what? He'll just accuse me of running away again, and I'm honestly sick and tired of him saying that. He just doesn't understand my need of having time for myself for a bit. If I truly wanted to run away, I'd just turn everything off and make sure he has no way of meeting me, or I'd just.. end it there and then. Now THAT's running away. Saying I don't want to talk, or I'd rather be alone just means I need some time for myself, to calm myself down on my own before talking again.
Men. They just don't get it. Ugh.
I really don't know what to say, seriously. I have no one else to talk to or vent out my feelings except for here. Samhain is coming soon, but I haven't yet sorted out my emotions nor gotten in touch with Mother Nature enough for me to face the Goddess, though she's been calling out to me repeatedly. I don't know if I've made the right decision or if this is what is really meant to be. I want nothing more than to pull out my deck of cards and divine what's in my future, but a part of me tells it to leave it be, and let nature take it's course. I'm having second thoughts and sleepless nights, and I really don't know about anything now. I get annoyed daily, and it's really not helping.
Goddess help me... if and when he reads this, I really hope he forgives me.
-J
Thursday, October 18, 2012
DAY 1
Dear Diary,
Good day, bad day, tired day, nice day.
Yes, I know I'm not making sense here, but I guess I've got this habit of holding something until kingdom comes. Okay, maybe not that long, but you get the idea. So I didn't get a good night's sleep. Went to bed feeling pretty empty on the inside, and I stared blankly at the wall for god knows how long before my eyes got tired and decided to shut. Even then, my brain refused to shut down or something, so while my body attempted to sleep, my brain attempted to stay awake, resulting in me "sleeping" while being aware that I wasn't. In a way... I didn't dream, and I was aware of staring at black nothingness.
I'm not making much sense today. Let's just say, I tried to sleep, couldn't sleep, and when I thought I slept I was actually awake with my eyes closed the whole time.
Okay, moving on. Started pretty good enough, just with waking up and feeling very much annoyed with him and myself. Yes, I know I'm acting like a child, but that's just how I am. Anyway, I was annoyed, and I had some thoughts that I would rather keep to myself just in case I do go through with them when I feel like throwing a tantrum. I almost decided to stay home after class, but then I told myself that the only way for me to get over him was to go out, have fun, and put him out of my head for a while. Like my fav song says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I've got to admit, I really had a lot of fun today, so I don't regret going out at all.
In any case, I found out I didn't miss anything for the last class, no homework too (typed out my introductory paragrah at 7:30am after my bath and finished it at 7:45am just because I wasn't in the mood to write last night. And that was last, LAST week's homework), and class was quite enjoyable since it's only four of us, five plus the lecturer, and we keep the atmosphere casual. And since I had so much time before my appointment, I was between going to his apartment to cook and relax, or staying at the Cyber Cafe and playing Star Trek Online before heading to Sunway myself. In the end, I stayed there for an hour, long enough to queue up two new projects and collect at least 100 fleet marks to get em going before taking a cab to his apartment. I was hungry and wasn't in the mood to spend money on food. I remembered I'd bought burger patties and sausages the last time I was there, so a quick fried rice dish was a very welcome thought.
The apartment was surprisingly neat and tidy when I unlocked the door, with a few additions of directional “posters” as reminders, and I gotta say…. It was the first time I’d seen it so clean. I was impressed. Even more so when I walked into the kitchen and found a sandwich toaster there (yes, I got ideas for my favorite cheese and ham toasted sandwich). I was happy… but happiness lasted approximately two minutes when I realized the rice cooker was missing.
The friggin rice cooker wasn’t there. I was a lost lamb in that kitchen.
By then my stomach was growling loudly at me (I kid you not, it made a lot of noise), and I was getting snappy. It was like, “Dude, where the darn frank is the rice cooker?! Where is the franking rice cooker?!” I gave up searching (actually went into the rooms to search for it, that’s how desperate and pathetically hungry I was) and thought… never mind. I’ll fry up something inside.
The fridge was devoid of any cookable, snackable food.
I gave up totally.
After whining on the phone to K like a little child begging for food, I decided to check Facebook for a bit and nap since I was so bloody tired anyway, among some other things. Perhaps I should change the wallpaper to its’ original one….
…. *decides not to, Gerard looks too cute there*
Anyway, among some other things, I’d thrown off my clothes without any care and had fallen asleep for about 20 minutes or so when my phone rang. My ride was here. After hurriedly throwing on my clothes again, clearing up and putting the mattress and pillow back where I’d found them, I left for Sunway.
From there on, it was nothing but harmonics, vocal testing and shrieking for four hours straight. Oh, and did I mention that our food came late, so instead of eating around 3:00pm plus, we ended up eating at 5:00pm plus? On the bright side, they didn’t kick us out at 6:00pm, so we ended grabbing the opportunity to abuse our voices further till 7:00pm plus.
And just as we were leaving…. He texted.
HE texted, so many miles away from home… how could I stay stubborn and refuse to talk to him? When Dante used to text me through Yahoo IM mobile, I just HAD to rush and text him back, because I missed him so much, and every message was a thrill for me. I had the same feelings here, so with a sigh at myself and a shake of my head, I returned HIS text. A part of me wondered if I’d regret it, because I’d managed to forget about him for the day, and he had to remind me that he’s still a part of my life (Yes, I’m being a childish mule, GET OVER IT). But he replied, and the more we texted, the more I couldn’t stay mad. Granted it was only for a while, but I couldn’t stay mad.
And now I’m mad at myself for giving in so easily. Frank you, J. Frank you very much.
And that’s that. After singing and screaming, and just hanging out with K and her friend and releasing stress, I feel so darn tired right now. Yet it’s storming outside, and I have my ears plugged with Vocaloid blasting in my ears to drown out the thunder, but I feel like I can fall asleep through the whole thing, that’s how tired I am.
And did I mention I’m broke?
I’m still gonna get that Marimo for myself, hook or by crook though. I don’t care.
-J
Good day, bad day, tired day, nice day.
Yes, I know I'm not making sense here, but I guess I've got this habit of holding something until kingdom comes. Okay, maybe not that long, but you get the idea. So I didn't get a good night's sleep. Went to bed feeling pretty empty on the inside, and I stared blankly at the wall for god knows how long before my eyes got tired and decided to shut. Even then, my brain refused to shut down or something, so while my body attempted to sleep, my brain attempted to stay awake, resulting in me "sleeping" while being aware that I wasn't. In a way... I didn't dream, and I was aware of staring at black nothingness.
I'm not making much sense today. Let's just say, I tried to sleep, couldn't sleep, and when I thought I slept I was actually awake with my eyes closed the whole time.
Okay, moving on. Started pretty good enough, just with waking up and feeling very much annoyed with him and myself. Yes, I know I'm acting like a child, but that's just how I am. Anyway, I was annoyed, and I had some thoughts that I would rather keep to myself just in case I do go through with them when I feel like throwing a tantrum. I almost decided to stay home after class, but then I told myself that the only way for me to get over him was to go out, have fun, and put him out of my head for a while. Like my fav song says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I've got to admit, I really had a lot of fun today, so I don't regret going out at all.
In any case, I found out I didn't miss anything for the last class, no homework too (typed out my introductory paragrah at 7:30am after my bath and finished it at 7:45am just because I wasn't in the mood to write last night. And that was last, LAST week's homework), and class was quite enjoyable since it's only four of us, five plus the lecturer, and we keep the atmosphere casual. And since I had so much time before my appointment, I was between going to his apartment to cook and relax, or staying at the Cyber Cafe and playing Star Trek Online before heading to Sunway myself. In the end, I stayed there for an hour, long enough to queue up two new projects and collect at least 100 fleet marks to get em going before taking a cab to his apartment. I was hungry and wasn't in the mood to spend money on food. I remembered I'd bought burger patties and sausages the last time I was there, so a quick fried rice dish was a very welcome thought.
The apartment was surprisingly neat and tidy when I unlocked the door, with a few additions of directional “posters” as reminders, and I gotta say…. It was the first time I’d seen it so clean. I was impressed. Even more so when I walked into the kitchen and found a sandwich toaster there (yes, I got ideas for my favorite cheese and ham toasted sandwich). I was happy… but happiness lasted approximately two minutes when I realized the rice cooker was missing.
The friggin rice cooker wasn’t there. I was a lost lamb in that kitchen.
By then my stomach was growling loudly at me (I kid you not, it made a lot of noise), and I was getting snappy. It was like, “Dude, where the darn frank is the rice cooker?! Where is the franking rice cooker?!” I gave up searching (actually went into the rooms to search for it, that’s how desperate and pathetically hungry I was) and thought… never mind. I’ll fry up something inside.
The fridge was devoid of any cookable, snackable food.
I gave up totally.
After whining on the phone to K like a little child begging for food, I decided to check Facebook for a bit and nap since I was so bloody tired anyway, among some other things. Perhaps I should change the wallpaper to its’ original one….
…. *decides not to, Gerard looks too cute there*
Anyway, among some other things, I’d thrown off my clothes without any care and had fallen asleep for about 20 minutes or so when my phone rang. My ride was here. After hurriedly throwing on my clothes again, clearing up and putting the mattress and pillow back where I’d found them, I left for Sunway.
From there on, it was nothing but harmonics, vocal testing and shrieking for four hours straight. Oh, and did I mention that our food came late, so instead of eating around 3:00pm plus, we ended up eating at 5:00pm plus? On the bright side, they didn’t kick us out at 6:00pm, so we ended grabbing the opportunity to abuse our voices further till 7:00pm plus.
And just as we were leaving…. He texted.
HE texted, so many miles away from home… how could I stay stubborn and refuse to talk to him? When Dante used to text me through Yahoo IM mobile, I just HAD to rush and text him back, because I missed him so much, and every message was a thrill for me. I had the same feelings here, so with a sigh at myself and a shake of my head, I returned HIS text. A part of me wondered if I’d regret it, because I’d managed to forget about him for the day, and he had to remind me that he’s still a part of my life (Yes, I’m being a childish mule, GET OVER IT). But he replied, and the more we texted, the more I couldn’t stay mad. Granted it was only for a while, but I couldn’t stay mad.
And now I’m mad at myself for giving in so easily. Frank you, J. Frank you very much.
And that’s that. After singing and screaming, and just hanging out with K and her friend and releasing stress, I feel so darn tired right now. Yet it’s storming outside, and I have my ears plugged with Vocaloid blasting in my ears to drown out the thunder, but I feel like I can fall asleep through the whole thing, that’s how tired I am.
And did I mention I’m broke?
I’m still gonna get that Marimo for myself, hook or by crook though. I don’t care.
-J
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