Happy New Year

So a year has come and gone.

Happy New Year, peeps.

Goodbye 2012. You were a shitty year, but the ending was great. Now you're just a year that I used to know.

Hello 2013. Try not to disappoint me.

-J

Why?

Why did he have to come back?

I was completely fine on my own.

Now I'm feeling so utterly restless and depressed, I don't have the mood to do anything except sit and glare at the wall and listen to the voices in my head.

............

Maybe we shouldn't have met..

Love hurts.

-J

Nothing

I don't want anything.

I don't want any presents. Please don't buy me any. I don't want anything at all.

I don't want your words, or your messages, or your calls. I don't want anything at all.

Please don't give me smiles, I won't return it.

Please stop giving me your kind words, I don't want to hear it.

Please don't tell me anything, don't tell me what you did, or what happened, I don't need to hear it and I don't care.

I'll return everything to you, just stop all this at once.

I don't need anything from you, I don't WANT anything from you.

Please...

Just leave me alone. I don't need you.

-J

Dreams

I dreamed that I was Seth Nightroad for a part of my dream last night. I used to roleplay her on MySpace so many years ago, and I met so many people, some of which I still call my family.

I dreamed that I was Seth, and I dreamed that I lived with both Cain and Abel, and things were so peaceful. I had my brothers, I had a family.

Maybe I can say that for the first time in so many days, I woke up feeling truly happy.

-J

Immature Me

I am so, so, SO annoyed by him. It's not fair that he gets to travel while I get stuck in my own static, daily life of waking up at 4 in the afternoon, getting on the laptop, and going to bed at 5 in the morning. Every day it's the same; rinse, wash and repeat, except for those days where I have to go out for various reasons. It seriously makes me just want to pack up, flag down the nearest truck and go backpacking all over the country, leaving everyone and everything behind.

I want to experience new things, meet new people, do things I haven't done before in my life. And I just feel so annoyed each time he texts me, with his smiles and cheer and soft words like he's having such a good time there, like that place is so pretty.

Well, if you like it there, then stay there. You don't have to come back.

Okay, I know I shouldn't be having emotional outbursts like this. I'm immature and childish, and instead of feeling happy for him, I'm feeling jealous and annoyed... makes me look like a selfish, ungrateful bitch, doesn't it? But I can't help it. It's only been a week, a single week, and he's already found his peace while I'm still struggling here to find mine.

Life is so unfair at times... but what can we do... That's life. Life will say, "Hey, I'm gonna eat you and chew you up, then spit you out, and you better have learned something from it before the next chewing cycle", then do just that, but if we're not killed, then we just get stronger. At least that's what they say. Sometimes, we just go through the motions without learning anything because our skin is so thick. My skin is kinda thick... I think. Sometimes I learn something, sometimes I don't, but I still say life is the best teacher anyone could have.

Anyway, I'm going off track again. The thought of him being so many miles away makes me wish I could be so many miles away too. It only strengthens my resolve to accept the offer of studying overseas, where I there's faces I've never met and places I've never been too. I don't know if I could survive alone there, but I know I can if I put my heart and mind to it. New places, new faces, the things I could do. I wonder if I could truly be happy then, or if my thirst for going to new places will intensify. My life is too static and restrictive. I need something new. I need to just... leave everything behind and go away on my own, and then maybe I'll be able to come back a contented person.

But you know what? He'll just accuse me of running away again, and I'm honestly sick and tired of him saying that. He just doesn't understand my need of having time for myself for a bit. If I truly wanted to run away, I'd just turn everything off and make sure he has no way of meeting me, or I'd just.. end it there and then. Now THAT's running away. Saying I don't want to talk, or I'd rather be alone just means I need some time for myself, to calm myself down on my own before talking again.

Men. They just don't get it. Ugh.

I really don't know what to say, seriously. I have no one else to talk to or vent out my feelings except for here. Samhain is coming soon, but I haven't yet sorted out my emotions nor gotten in touch with Mother Nature enough for me to face the Goddess, though she's been calling out to me repeatedly. I don't know if I've made the right decision or if this is what is really meant to be. I want nothing more than to pull out my deck of cards and divine what's in my future, but a part of me tells it to leave it be, and let nature take it's course. I'm having second thoughts and sleepless nights, and I really don't know about anything now. I get annoyed daily, and it's really not helping.

Goddess help me... if and when he reads this, I really hope he forgives me.

-J

DAY 1

Dear Diary,

Good day, bad day, tired day, nice day.

Yes, I know I'm not making sense here, but I guess I've got this habit of holding something until kingdom comes. Okay, maybe not that long, but you get the idea. So I didn't get a good night's sleep. Went to bed feeling pretty empty on the inside, and I stared blankly at the wall for god knows how long before my eyes got tired and decided to shut. Even then, my brain refused to shut down or something, so while my body attempted to sleep, my brain attempted to stay awake, resulting in me "sleeping" while being aware that I wasn't. In a way... I didn't dream, and I was aware of staring at black nothingness.

I'm not making much sense today. Let's just say, I tried to sleep, couldn't sleep, and when I thought I slept I was actually awake with my eyes closed the whole time.

Okay, moving on. Started pretty good enough, just with waking up and feeling very much annoyed with him and myself. Yes, I know I'm acting like a child, but that's just how I am. Anyway, I was annoyed, and I had some thoughts that I would rather keep to myself just in case I do go through with them when I feel like throwing a tantrum. I almost decided to stay home after class, but then I told myself that the only way for me to get over him was to go out, have fun, and put him out of my head for a while. Like my fav song says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I've got to admit, I really had a lot of fun today, so I don't regret going out at all.

In any case, I found out I didn't miss anything for the last class, no homework too (typed out my introductory paragrah at 7:30am after my bath and finished it at 7:45am just because I wasn't in the mood to write last night. And that was last, LAST week's homework), and class was quite enjoyable since it's only four of us, five plus the lecturer, and we keep the atmosphere casual. And since I had so much time before my appointment, I was between going to his apartment to cook and relax, or staying at the Cyber Cafe and playing Star Trek Online before heading to Sunway myself. In the end, I stayed there for an hour, long enough to queue up two new projects and collect at least 100 fleet marks to get em going before taking a cab to his apartment. I was hungry and wasn't in the mood to spend money on food. I remembered I'd bought burger patties and sausages the last time I was there, so a quick fried rice dish was a very welcome thought.

The apartment was surprisingly neat and tidy when I unlocked the door, with a few additions of directional “posters” as reminders, and I gotta say…. It was the first time I’d seen it so clean. I was impressed. Even more so when I walked into the kitchen and found a sandwich toaster there (yes, I got ideas for my favorite cheese and ham toasted sandwich). I was happy… but happiness lasted approximately two minutes when I realized the rice cooker was missing.

The friggin rice cooker wasn’t there. I was a lost lamb in that kitchen.

By then my stomach was growling loudly at me (I kid you not, it made a lot of noise), and I was getting snappy. It was like, “Dude, where the darn frank is the rice cooker?! Where is the franking rice cooker?!” I gave up searching (actually went into the rooms to search for it, that’s how desperate and pathetically hungry I was) and thought… never mind. I’ll fry up something inside.

The fridge was devoid of any cookable, snackable food.

I gave up totally.

After whining on the phone to K like a little child begging for food, I decided to check Facebook for a bit and nap since I was so bloody tired anyway, among some other things. Perhaps I should change the wallpaper to its’ original one….

…. *decides not to, Gerard looks too cute there*

Anyway, among some other things, I’d thrown off my clothes without any care and had fallen asleep for about 20 minutes or so when my phone rang. My ride was here. After hurriedly throwing on my clothes again, clearing up and putting the mattress and pillow back where I’d found them, I left for Sunway.

From there on, it was nothing but harmonics, vocal testing and shrieking for four hours straight. Oh, and did I mention that our food came late, so instead of eating around 3:00pm plus, we ended up eating at 5:00pm plus? On the bright side, they didn’t kick us out at 6:00pm, so we ended grabbing the opportunity to abuse our voices further till 7:00pm plus.

And just as we were leaving…. He texted.

HE texted, so many miles away from home… how could I stay stubborn and refuse to talk to him? When Dante used to text me through Yahoo IM mobile, I just HAD to rush and text him back, because I missed him so much, and every message was a thrill for me. I had the same feelings here, so with a sigh at myself and a shake of my head, I returned HIS text. A part of me wondered if I’d regret it, because I’d managed to forget about him for the day, and he had to remind me that he’s still a part of my life (Yes, I’m being a childish mule, GET OVER IT). But he replied, and the more we texted, the more I couldn’t stay mad. Granted it was only for a while, but I couldn’t stay mad.

And now I’m mad at myself for giving in so easily. Frank you, J. Frank you very much.

And that’s that. After singing and screaming, and just hanging out with K and her friend and releasing stress, I feel so darn tired right now. Yet it’s storming outside, and I have my ears plugged with Vocaloid blasting in my ears to drown out the thunder, but I feel like I can fall asleep through the whole thing, that’s how tired I am.

And did I mention I’m broke?

I’m still gonna get that Marimo for myself, hook or by crook though. I don’t care.

-J

Icy

Sometimes, I can't help it when I think stuff and my chest thuds painfully with each breath taken. And sometimes, it's hard for me to stay normal when you're far away, doing things that I'm not. Call me jealous, call me possessive. Yeah, maybe I'm that. Or call me immature, childish, whichever you please. I'm just a girl, a typical girl who's mechanisms are broken from earlier days. I can't look at a message and not feel a little pain when you go, I can't stop wishing that you would just go away if you want to and leave me alone so you'll make it a little easier on me. I can't. But that's such a childish thing to do, isn't it? It's like a child sulking in a corner when her caretaker goes away for a little while. A child who wishes she could go along, and throwing a tantrum when she can't.

I've got two defense programs. One; I retreat into myself so no one gets a hint of my emotions and my thoughts. Two; I let a layer of ice grow. The icy thing really works, though... It seems so much easier just to detach myself from just feeling, that way I won't end up depressed and blubbering just because he's gone for a few days, but the flaw is when he texts, or calls. Then the layer of ice shatters and I become a depressed little idiot getting angry at everything and everyone or every little thing, so easy to make me snap.

Sometimes I wish he wouldn't bother. It'll make it so much easier for me to pull through. I won't have to worry, I won't have to miss him.

But he bothers, oh yes he does. Like a persistent little bug, buzzing in my ear, he bothers. He bothers until I can smile again. But behind that smile comes tears, anger, depression, all the feelings I wish I didn't have to deal with. And I know it hurts him, being cold like that... but he doesn't care and keeps on melting the ice. Did I mention melting hurts too? Because it sure does.

I'm not saying I'm ungrateful or that I'm pushing him away, I just have a little disorder, that's all. I have an attachment problem, I have BPD. Growing up with the need to feel accepted everyday is just painful, and now that I've developed an attachment, there's always the fear of being left out, being left behind. Yes, I'm aware of my problem, but it's not something I can control. I can learn to control it, but there's always going to be a little voice at the back of my head saying,

"You're alone now, but you don't need this. Loneliness is a part of you. It's not an excuse. All you need is yourself. You're stronger on your own."

And then all the hurt, all the feelings, they melt into one hard layer of ice that makes me cold to everyone except myself, easily shattered when he gives me a text, or says something that just.... makes me feel.

So I've done a lot of things before. I used to cut, first to be part of a clique, then maybe for attention (though I always, always hid my scars), then just because it made me feel so much better. It was my own personal way of saying, "Look, I need help but I'm just not showing it. See me. Save me.", but really, no one, not even my parents cared. They probably thought I was crazy, but I always smiled and lied when anyone noticed my scars. I fell, got scratched by my cat, was clumsy... those kind of things. No one really took the initiative to understand me, to see what's under my skin, how my brain works. But then again, Asian parents. Since when do they care, right? All I need to do is study. My whole life should revolve around that, and that's it.

Do they even know the reason why I got into cutting in the first place? As my mom would angrily shout, "Loneliness is not an excuse/Don't give me a stupid reason and say that you're lonely."

I have friends, but not close ones. Do they even know that I sit in a classroom of 36 students, but I sit alone in a corner, at the back of the class? Do they know that I sit alone most of the time? Heck, I don't think they do. They must probably feel it a relief that their daughter doesn't have much friends, so she doesn't mix with the wrong group.

But I digress, and this seems more like an anger/pity post right now, but it all comes to this: I met him.

I met him a year ago, probably more, but during that time, I never really noticed him. He's a ninja, I swear. Creeps up behind me unnoticed, stalks me for half a mile before I notice he's there. But I met him, and after half a year, we got together. It was during those six months, after I randomly (and impulsively) told him I liked him in a spur-of-the-moment thing, that we really got to know each other more. We talked... and talked... and talked, and he gave me the chance to decide if I really did like him or walk away while I still had the chance to. I remained just a best friend during those six whole months, and I said that if he chose to stay with his then girlfriend, I would accept it, and walk away. I kept my feelings inside, did things a best friend would, and felt that empty feeling each time he got back with her, but I accepted it. I really didn't mind, since I knew we would remain good friends even if I got friendzoned since I'd always have him to talk to if I had a problem.

Then six months passed and the waiting paid off. I didn't care if he was of a different religion and race, and neither did he. He didn't care that I wasn't a slim as other girls and had weird habits. I'm ready to accept his way of life and change mine, though I know it's a big risk. Things aren't as smooth sailing as we thought it would be, but we always talked it out. Me and my stubbornness, he and his persistence, we talked things through and always settled our problems within the day. We never shouted at each other. I told him everything, everything that was me, and he didn't judge me, he just accepted me as it is and gave me the help I subconsciously seeked for.

He was the first and only person to reach out his hand to me.

Hence why I'm attached, and why it hurts when he leaves for a bit, and why he can break down barriers so easily. I'm sorry if I hurt him in any way. I apologize for all those ugly little emotions, but hey... no human is perfect, right? I'm not sure if I want to share my burden with him, but he insists, so what choice to I have? I'm so used to handling things on my own, sometimes I feel a little lost when he helps.

He reminded me that it's two of us, not one, and no one gets left behind. He's always there, and I can count on him. He cured my habit of cutting, he cured my habit of hiding things (though I still do it when I tease him) from him. He taught me to speak up and tell him when I dislike something he does, or when I disagree, not keep it inside. He taught me how to open up and be a bit more honest, because talking about everything doesn't quite cut it; honesty is the most valuable thing in a relationship. But there's still so much more I have to learn, though we're still taking it one day at a time for now.

He wrote me a letter today to remind me that no matter where he is, I shouldn't lie to myself and tell myself that I don't miss him, because he'll always be there for me. Seems like I always need constant reminding about this... I can't help freezing up and turning icy when he leaves, but maybe in time I can learn.

~J